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Articles>
OVERCOMING UNFORGIVENESS
A Short Teaching on Unforgiveness
22 Jul 2008
To teach on the subject of overcoming unforgiveness is not easy to teach not because it is difficult to understand, but rather because it is sometimes difficult to practice. Nonetheless, I now want to share this teaching with you with the prayer that God will strengthen you to forgive those whom you may need to forgive.
I. TWO SYMPTOMS OF UNFORGIVENESS.
1. WITHDRAWAL. To be unwilling to forgive those who hurt
you, will result in you begining to withdraw from the offender.
People sometimes respond to hurt feelings in this manner
because they think that if they isolate themselves from the
offender, then they will be insulated from any future hurt.
However, this approach to healing their hurt will not work
and will only make them a "victim" of the offence, rather than
a "Victor" over the offence.
2. Corrupt Speech. Unforgiveness always poisons the tongue
and blinds the inward perception toward the offender and
unless repented of it will lead to only seeing evil in others
[Titus 1:15-16].
ii. TWO REASONS PEOPLE SOMETIMES BECOME UNWILL-
ING TO FORGIVE OTHERS.
1. FEAR. To refuse to forgive another person, because you
fear being hurt again, will not free you from your hurt or
free you from any future hurts. It will only cause you more
hurt as you crawl into your own cocoon of bitterness and
depression and cause you to be discontent with yourself,
with others and eventually with God [Matthew 18:34-35].
The one and only answer is to choose to be obedient to
God's Word and forgive the offender!
2. PRIDE is the other reason that people sometimes find it
difficult to forgive others. A pride that cause's them to have
a higher estimation of themselves than what they should
have and to choose forgiveness threaten's and dismantles
their self-centered securities and keeps them chained to the
offence and held captive to it [II Timothy 2:25-26 ].
III. TWO KINDS OF OFFENCES AND HOW TO RESPOND TO
THEM.
1. MINOR. This is an offence that is caused by immaturity on
the part of the offender and is not likely to be repeated. The
answer to this kind of an offence is to forgive them and to
practice gentle forebearance without confronting the
offender [Ephesians 4:1-3].
2. MAJOR. This is an offensive attitude or action that is being
repeated toward you. The answer is forgive the offender, and
then in a loving, kind worded, gentle way approach them
about their offensive behavior. The purpose in doing this is
to help them see the error of their way or otherwise they may
not ever know that their actions toward you are offensive.
IV. HOW TO FORGIVE THOSE YOU NEED TO FORGIVE.
1. Choose to forgive them as a decision of your will, apart
from your hurt feelings, and in submission to God's Word
[Eph. 4:32, Col. 4: 12-14,17].
2. Realize that Satan does not want you to forgive, so be
prepared to " cast down all thoughts in your mind about the
offenders offence " and simply say, in Jesus name, I choose
to forgive him, her, or them.
3. In your private "day to day conversations with others" refuse
to re-hash the offence with them. Your responding to the
offence in this manner will cause you to be at peace with the
offender even though they may not be at peace with you.
[Romans 12:17-19]
4. Should the offender refuse to apologize or correct their
behavior toward you, refuse to hold a grudge within you.
This is not easy to do and will only be possible as you ask
God to create a desire in you to continue to live with a for-
giving heart. Philippians 2:13 " For it is God which worketh
in you both to will [or desire] and to do of his good pleasure."
V. HOW TO CONFRONT AND SEEK RECONCILATION WITH
OTHERS.
1. COOL OFF, before you confront them. Reconcilation is
virtually impossible if tempers and emotions are running at
full throttle!
2. AFTER THE COOLING OFF PERIOD, reacess the offence
to make certain it warrants confrontation.
3. Be honest with yourself about your motive for confronting.
Is it to gain your friendship or " to prove them wrong " which
is pride.
4. Always forgive them, before you confront them or otherwise
your words will build a "wall of contention" rather than a
"bridge of reconciliation!"
5. If possible, meet with the offender in a private place and
explain how their attitude or actions are offensive to you,
which will almost always result in a sincere apology from
the offender. If their apology is sincere it will result in a
change of attitude's and actions toward you. However, you
may need to exercise patience toward the offender, because
even though their apology is sincere, it may take time for
them to change in their behavior toward you, even as it does
for you to change.
VI. WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDER.
1. If you know that you have offended someone, do the honor-
able thing and go apologize to them and do your best to not
repeat the offence again [Matthew 5:23-24].
2. Don't apologize for the Word of God, but do apologize if you
ever speak the truth in a haughty spirit, so that the cause of
Christ won't be hurt and your behavior won't be a stumbling
block unto the offended [II Corinthians 6:3; Romans 14:13].
Roger Skaggs
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